responsibility

butted and kicked by the mother after seemingly accepted, we brought the lamb into the house….he was slow and sorry for himself at first, a few feeds later jumping out of his box, butting at me, looking for milk….an unconditional connection, id become his mother

two days later suddenly off his food, i thought it was me overfeeding him first thing, maybe he was too hot, too cold…..id planted trees in the morning, wanted to feed him again before i had lunch, knowing that it was slightly too long since his first feed but ok given the morning feed….he had no interest, taking small short nips, not kicking into the laugh-inducing frenzy of gulping and pulling as normal

hes dead….septicaemia, blood poisoning

taken by surprise, thinking we had weeks to go before the birth and time to learn more, we hadnt been on full alert, perhaps an hour born and unchecked, it might have been too little colostrum from the mother, it could have been a random infection, and it may have been my decision not to iodine its cord….wanting nature to take its course, wanting to beat the sun going and get him accepted by his rejecting mother, not wanting to be interventionist

in building an organic holding with healthy animals living an enjoyable life theres a line to walk between treating responsively when needed, and the more common medical interventions that make non-organic farming more convenient….to me it feels instinctively right that good conditions promote good health, rather than relying on protective injections and other treatments in anticipation of illness ….perhaps i took that line too far, was too idealistic, too hands off

i dont suppose there are absolute right and wrongs, but smallholding is a responsible activity….and in trying to be responsible for my food supply, for my fuel consumption, for creating a beautiful, rich environment which might in some way counterbalance my footprint on the world, i have to take responsibility for when i might have got it wrong

i know i need to put this into its proper perspective, that death is part of life in smallholding, that its one sheep, but thats not how i feel today