Shops

I ruddy love fudge I do. Having just spent a few days in Cornwall I feel compelled to comment on what was, by most reasonable standards, a fairly thorough sample of Cornish fudge offerings. One major point: too smooth Cornwall, too smooth. If I’m going to eat fudge I want some granularity, some roughness on the roof of the mouth, like they couldn’t be quite arsed to stir all the sugar in or something. The closest I came to true fudge happiness was a piece of what the shopowner referred to a ‘broken tablet’.

Perhaps it was the similarity with ‘broken biscuits’ that suckered me in. We had a shop where I grew up that sold broken biscuits – it was called The Sweet Welcome, a touch ironic given the demeanour of the staff that served. We used to nick sweets and jazz mags from there…no fags though, as rather inconveniently they were shelved behind the counter*. Another, The Sweet Sensation, also sold broken biscuits but that was a few hundred yards further on, beyond the bus stop at which we alighted…the bus stop opposite what is still referred to as The Old Post Office, which ceased being a post office sometime in the mid 70s. It is now filled by a firm of lawyers. The last time I went in there was ten years ago, to see my dad’s lawyer just after he died (my dad, not the lawyer obviously, do keep up)**. I didn’t buy any biscuits, broken or otherwise, from across the road.

Talking of sugar and Cornwall, I have another complaint to register: cafe owners, restaurants from that county and around the country…please stop with your bowls of those irregular nuggets of brown and white sugar. Firstly they are the naff, new millenium equivalent of the Athena poster, secondly it’s very likely your drink will be too sweet or not sweet enough and thirdly, they don’t ruddy well dissolve (surely their one essential characteristic other than affording sweetness) until the drink is almost cold.

Before I went to Cornwall I did three things: I spent two days taking photos for the River Cottage Herb Handbook (two of which above) which you’ll be pleased to know isn’t being written by me, but by the very lovely Nikki Duffy. It will be a fantastic book, very much focusing on food…and having eaten about 30 of the recipes in two days I feel well qualified and now appropriately shaped to judge.

And I spent a day with Lia Leendertz taking pics for a book and to go with her article in the Telegraph. Nice that they used the one taken just after I’d told her the steak and kidley joke.

I also managed to get collared by Murry, who (amongst other things) makes films at River Cottage, and told that I and Steve had exactly 5 minutes to say something sensible about the new River Cottage Fruit Handbook…we failed.

* I think I’ve mentioned before that any possibility of me entering a life of crime ended when I was collared by the fur of my snorkel jacket (literally, caught by the fuzz)…and threatened with my parents being told. I told them the big boys made me do it.

** On that visit, the lawyer gave me a letter I’ve never opened.

  • Your love of broken biscuits does you proud.

    Do you remember the enemies of the broken biscuit fancier – namely
    Dicky Mint.
    Mick The Marmalizer.
    Hamish McDiddy.
    Neil Ponsonby-Smallpiece

    I believe they were all employees of "The Broken Biscuit Repair Works". What a risible idea

    BTW – nice pictures, except the first one

  • Fudge – your description of the granular variety is mouth-watering. When you find some, let me know

  • SS – devils to a man, devils

    Arabella – it is..I followed it up with the sheephead joke, a classic left/right combination…you should see the picture after that…

    Zoe – you are a queen, thank you

    Jo – I sure will

  • Zoe got there first, but just I wanted to say that you should always go for tablet fudge over regular fudge…always the best and always granular. Oh, and nice use of 'alight'…not a word you often see used – other than actually on a bus! Oh, and we need to talk about that letter…xx

  • I believe I may have mentioned this to you but the time has come to share this theory with a slightly wider audience…

    The official name is Alexander-Sinclair's Fudge Fumble Manifesto (the 'Manifesto' bit was added as the first four words in isolation led easily to misinterpretation and schoolboy sniggering).

    1. Fudge should not be the consistency of plasticene

    2.For flavouring, Vanilla is exotic enough thank you. Things like rum 'n raisin or and any other sort of fruit should be avoided. Lavender fudge is just pretension gone mad.

    3. The Benchmark in texture is that there should always be crumbs at the bottom of the bag and, as you wisely mention, a certain granularity. No crumbs, no points.

    4.The Corns (and I blame certain areas of Devon for this too) go wrong because of their overwhelming urge to force Clotted Cream on us at every opportunity including in their fudge.

    There are another seventy-four clauses to the manifesto but time and space prevents my sharing them all with you. One of my primary roles as an RHS Councillor is to exhaustively research the quality of fudge available at RHS gardens. The Highgrove fudge is very acceptable.

  • I make good fudge

    As for broken biscuits they were considered the creme de la creme at the school I went to. It was a private school and at morning break we had weak insipid orange squash and a biscuit from one of those vast selection boxes. The favoured few got given the accumulated broken biscuits in a large box once a week – oh how we envied them!!

  • My nascent life of crime ended the same way yours did – caught red-handed clambering around on a building site aged 10 with 'big boys'. As I recall, they stood us in a line, looked very fierce with their radios, batons and flashing blue lights, wrote down all our names, very slowly, and threatened to tell our parents.

    My pulse rate was skyhigh for a fortnight – I feared every knock on the door. It worked a treat. My only crime since was nicking a pink bikini from Debenhams in Eastbourne in 1978. #teenagerebel

  • I love fudge. And I agree with James.

    And an additional broken biscuit lyrical element courtesy of Pulp: Mis-shapes, mistakes, misfits.
    Raised on a diet of broken biscuits, [and so on]
    Oh really.

    Grim up north, so they say…

  • when I was small, my weekly pocket money was spent on a copy of The Country Companion (all of which I still have) and a small packet of Orkney Fudge. It was sweet, granular and just stunning. I have never been able to find it since then, but, as you have been told above, you need Scottish Tablet, not fudge, but The Fudge Shop in Cumbria does a particularly good version. You can buy this through Lakeland online.
    and licorice fudge is pretty good, despite what JAS says, and a piece of rum and raisin is heaven.

  • You are looking in the wrong celtic outpost for your fudge. It's tablet you're after. Best I ever had was from a tiny sweet shop in Glasgow: exactly as you describe.
    Thanks for including the link. It wasnt the steak and kiddley joke as you well know. Unrepeatable, particularly in print… I'm still blushing.

  • Laura – and you an English graduate and all…and yes we do (the letter)

    JAS – pleased to hear you re taking your new position seriously. And I can disagree on only one point: walnut fudge is very fine (the exception that proves the rule)

    Simon – I am more than grateful to you

    PG – I expect to judge that for myself next time we meet

    Sue – I too had that scary fortnight…awful when the door went. Pink bikini…funny what drives the world of crime isnt it

    Naomi – thank you for commenting but please, please never mention Pulp round these parts again

    Claire – I may need a visit to Scotland, you've confirmed it. Curiosu choice of flavours… there's no rum nor raisin to them (*recycles*)

    Lia – my apologies…it was 'spongefinger' was it

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