Water

Having discovered that I must (apparently) be charged for a cup of tea even if I only want hot water, I’ve enjoyed several months of tragic fun on the early train to London.

Me: ‘Hot water please’
Trolley person: ‘You know I have to charge the same as tea don’t you’
Me (faux incredulity): ‘Really?! Whys that?’
They: ‘It’s just the rules. Mad isn’t it’

…at which point we agree its mad, laugh, and having bonded over the ridiculousness of the world continue on our way, satisfied. (Yes I know s/he calls me a tosspot when they pass the guard)

On Tuesday, a pleasing variation.
He: ‘Complementary drink sir?’
Me: (world thrown out of orbit) ‘Wha?! Since when?’
He: ‘Recent sir. Good isn’t it. Tea, coffee or hot chocolate sir?’
Me: ‘Fantastic, yes. Oh, just hot water please’
He: ‘I’m afraid I’ll have to charge you for that sir’
Me: *James Finlayson face* or (for the youngsters) *Martin Freeman in The Office face*
He: ‘I know sir, corporate nonsense gone mad innit. It’s only tea, coffee and hot chocolate that are free’
Me: *lightbulb* ‘May I have tea please…with the tea bag and milk separate please?’
He: ‘Oh very good sir, very good. I like it sir. Of course you may. No charge sir’
Me: ‘Fantastic, thank you’
He: ‘You should be asking me whether you can gave a refund for that unused tea bag and milk sir’

We laugh a polite little laugh, and he moves on, doubtless to quietly call me a tosspot when he passes the guard, and everyone’s happy.

  • Many moons ago I was involved in the financing of company cars to “senior” staff in one of our African subsidiaries.
    There were strict rules intended to differentiate the seniority of these staff. More senior managers would be allowed a four door saloon with electric windows & radio. Junior managers on the other hand were only allowed a more basic model; no radio, no electric windows.

    The problem with this was that ALL cars we were supplied with were the same. We therefore had to arrange (at some cost) to have radios removed & the windows disabled before handing them over to the more junior staff.

    The final irony was that those without the “extras” would then take their cars & have radios fitted & windows enabled at their own cost. (probably by the self same garage which removed/disabled them in the first place)

  • Brilliant. Do you then just drink the water neat or have a secret stash of herbs & spices to add? Szechuan peppercorns perhaps? Or is that just gin….

  • A trolley service! That does sound like a civilized way to travel to London. I too have to make trip up to London via train every so often. Unfortunately I get the pleasure of First ‘Great’ Western services. I’m one of the lucky ones, I get on in Wales so manage to get a seat, anyone joining after Bristol gets to stand up. Filling all the aisles, and therefore blocking any trolley even if the company wanted to run one.

    Two hours is a lot of time to stare out of the window (not that I am averse to staring out of windows) so I have been known to practice piano. Now even I’m not stupid enough to try to cart a piano on an already overcrowded train, so instead I get my sheet music out and mime hitting an imaginary keyboard. Sounds a little odd, but you can tell if you are getting it wrong and is still an effective way of gaining muscle memory for a piece.

    As soon as I start I can feel the person stuck next to me shift as far away as is possible, but I’ve yet to have one actually give up their hard won seat.

Comments are closed.